chucky robertson (blue) v sean flynn (red) v j.p. charriez (purple)

event one: aerial, bulls eye--

this is the only place in the world where you actually benefit from that one day you used your nerf bow and arrow before realizing it's the worst toy ever.

first jumps are perfect all around: three shots, three bulls eyes. but chucky hits a snag on the return, and gives both j.p. and sean a chance at a second shot before he even reloads. j.p. hits, but sean misses, and the miss seems to get in his head, as sean can't seem to find the return pad either. chucky continues to struggle, and even with spotter assistance can't get his rhythm back for almost a half-minute. even when he does eventually get back, he falls into the same trap, eventually floating in no-man's land. j.p., meanwhile, keeps up his perfect rhythm, and while he may miss a few shots, he never misses a beat. in the end, chucky gets a lucky one off, and sean gets his second just under the buzzer, so the two tie for second.


j.p. 300
sean 200
chucky 200


11-year-old chucky "the conqueror" robertson is a self-described "parent pleaser"


event two: gym, basic training--

cargo net --> rings --> cruise for life --> tires --> wall --> tube slide
let's do this thing.

chucky's getting us going. is an 11-year-old this cute too pretty for gus? he's at the rings at 11+ seconds, and gets out almost at 29, getting caught up trying to make sure his feat catch every ring, while the trick to the even is to ignore your feet and only use your arms. does an admirable job with the tire crawl, but can't quite cut it in the weight-based momentum obstacles, like the tube slide and the cruse for life (aka zip line). just like with the elastic jumps, his petite frame has done him in. 46.0 seconds

sean, on the other hand, is at the rings at 6 and done by 13, tiring out his legs on the cargo net, and ignoring them so they can rest on the rings--perfect execution. his bigger frame helps him on the cruise for life, and he can attack the tire crawl in a more calculated manner--he's rolling out at 24.5. he has so much momentum at the wall climb that it would be more appropriately called the "wall run." he's down the slide and in the pool by 30.4, putting chucky's numbers to shame.

j.p. is up next, and sees that his early lead is in danger. he gets in his own head, looking to the rings before he's completed the cargo net, and is unable to find the netting with this feet right on the outset. he doesn't even hit the rings until 12.1 seconds, and then takes them too cautiously, ignoring his feet almost to his detriment, and treating them like monkeybars that only can be scaled with individual-swing momentum. he's at the tires at 29.9, and is now all-but officially only hoping for a 2nd place finish. he struggles through the tires, crawls to the top of the wall, and slides slowly into the pool for a 42.9 second finish. i can't believe a performance like that still got him 2nd.

in his post-event interview, sean demonstrates that he was coached by a professional media team, touching on how he "did the best he could," and thought "even if [he] came in second, if i did my best it would still be good." (those might be slight paraphrasing--i'm typing as fast as i can)


j.p. 500
sean 500
chucky 300


sean "the flyer" flynn is a 13-year-old trading card collector. ahhh--memories.


event three: pool, invisible boats

wow. chucky demonstrates why he made it to the extreme arena in the first place, skimming above the water like...well...either a water bug or jesus, depending on where you like to take your guts metaphors. 7.2 seconds. bam. look at that smile.

sean steps up second. good jump, but his weight is a disadvantage in this one, as it drags him into the rapids. 8.9 seconds.

j.p. looks nervous going third, as even 8.9 is a tough time to beat. he tries the hopping approach, and due to a good reach, clocks in at a very impressive 7.4. not good enough for first, but it'l keep him in first overall.


chucky's post event interview: "hi mom!"


j.p. 700
chucky 600
sean 600

this one's coming down to the very end.


12-year-old j.p. "clutch" charriez earned his nickname because of his clutch football play. he also rides waterslides. (i want the guts people to do my bios for the rest of my life.)


event four: areal, spike it

five serves. five chances at the targets. one of the harder, more randomly determined events in the game, as the kdis aren't really strong enough to aim and hit the balls in straight lines, and they're spending too much energy just concentrating on jumping.

everyone gets less air than they should, no one hits with much precision. as a viewer, you can't even really see what's going on.

j.p. finishes with 3; 2 for the other two.

o'malley comes into the interview with a fake head bandage from when he headed a ball before the game. HA! antics!
besides just the normal fluff questions, though, he asks a good one about how hard it is to jump up. when j.p. brushes it off (as he did the rest--they can't all have sean's training), o'malley ironically reacts by mocking how dumb his own questions are.


j.p. 1000
sean 800
chucky 800

sean's obviously the athlete best built for guts, and chucky is the quickest of the three, but j.p. is still in first by 200 points. maybe "clutch" is the right nickname after all...


THE AGGRO CRAG

"who's got the guts to win? who's got the guts to get to the top of the mountain first?" tell 'em, mike.

from the onset, it's jp v sean. maybe the glitter got to chucky, maybe he was too small to scale the rock, or maybe he just couldn't find the actuators, but by the time they go to the wide shot to show j.p. and sean's neck-and-neck finish, chucky's still at the very bottom. sean reaches up and hits the final actuator in what seems like record time, barely inching out j.p. ...that is, until we realize j.p. missed one at the beginning of the course. sean stands at top in first, watching as j.p. climbs from the top back to the bottom and back up again. if chucky can beat him, sean wins. if j.p. gets second, the game is his. j.p. gets down extremely quickly, and chucky struggles to get around the boulders (which shouldn't require a struggle). j.p. beats him up by a lot, and after he's already hit the final light, we realize chucky missed an actuator at the bottom anyway. a pathetic performance by chucky costs sean the game, and they zoom in for a closeup to see the dejection on his face.


j.p. 1550
sean 1525
chucky 1175

they don't get closer than this.

chucky takes his bronze metal like a gentleman. sean throws his arms in the air, proud. j.p. just looks uncomfortable in success. clutch? he should be used to it. he doesn't have enough strength to hoist the crag in the air, but he does try.

sean, this game should have been yours.

NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS--THESE KIDS GOT GUTS!